My New Year’s Resolutions for YOU

I’ve decided that while my character is imperfect and somewhat flawed, my path to true happiness and well being is blocked more by extrinsic than intrinsic obstacles and personal resolutions, though laudable, are the wrong solution for my most serious problems. Hence, I am proposing that you, Rest of the World, make the following resolutions to make my, your own, and everybody else’s 2011 a better year than we’ve known for a while.

1. Clear the snow off ALL of your car windows before driving. Also clear off the top of the car, because that snow will just cascade down the back window the moment you hit 20 mph.
2. Stop saying things are “overrated.” I think the expression you’re looking for is “I didn’t care for it.”
3. Use your indoor voice while indoors.
4. Take a break from constructing “[noun] + fail” and “[weather word][suffix of eschatological term]” Twitter hashtags.
5. Just get a cup of coffee. The line will move so much faster if everybody didn’t need something fancy with lots of hot milk and sugar. (You need only observe this if you frequent the Starbucks kiosk at the University of Minnesota Student Union).
6. Buy loads and loads of books, especially books that haven’t already sold a gazillion copies, and especially especially books by relatively obscure Midwestern children’s book authors with babies at home and multiple pets.
7. Do not praise any book by James Patterson while in my range of hearing. It is bad for my teeth.
8. Check your facts before getting really worked up about something somebody emailed you about the president and/or his health care plan.
9. Suspend judgment but not your disbelief when reading the news.
10. Do the opposite when reading for pleasure.
11. Leash your dog, and/or don’t let your cats wander around outside unattended.

I have a lot more Other Improvement Ideas, but I’ll keep it to eleven for 2011, and we’ll see how it goes. Thanks, and happy new year!

2 thoughts on “My New Year’s Resolutions for YOU

  1. I could rant about #11 like nobody’s business, but this year my solution is just to take an extra leash with me when I walk my dog (last summer I found a loose dog nearly every time I went outside). No more trying to find the original owners: when I come across a loose dog, I’ll take him home with me. It’s going to be awesome.

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