QNABS: The Awesomest Animal

Question nobody asks but should:

Mr. Scaletta, what is the awesomest animal there is?

I’m so glad somebody finally asked this most pertinent question, it doesn’t even bother me that awesomest is not a word. And while each of us has their own favorite animal, I am going to try to suspend subjectivity and take a hard scientific look at things.

First, what is it that makes animals awesome? Over here in the laboratory of contrived animal studies, we have isolated three factors of awesomeness which can be called the “three Cs” of animal awesomenss. They are:

Cuteness – fuzziness, wuzziness, big-eyedness, adorability
Character – loyalty, faithfulness, integrity, work ethic, wisdom
Coolness – fierceness, scariness, and likelihood of upsetting your mother if you bring one home

Using the three factors it is possible to map out every animal. While this image does not place every animal in the kingdom, it gives you a good measure of where most animals fall. Note that the animals listed outside of the circles can not be said to reliably have any of the characteristics listed.

Animals (Venn Diagram)

If you object to where one or another animal is placed, see the indicators above and remember that this is science. Each animal was rigorously placed according to the most comprehensive information available, which will be made available at a later date as a downloadable spreadsheet that is several hundred pages long and filled with incomprehensible acronyms, baffling formulas, and tiny-fonted numbers.

As you can see, the animal that has sterling character, utmost coolness due to excellent swimming ability, razor sharp teeth and claws, and absolutely undeniable brown fuzzy playful cuteness is the otter. (If you are curious, the various species of otter scored so similarly, we grouped them all under one heading.)

So there you have it. The awesomest animal is indisputably the otter, and it will retain that position until “quality of breath (e.g., non-fishy)” is entered into the formula.


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